Things in the Middle

We were in the middle of a deal of buying our very own house, but some advice from someone made us think twice.  Then I realized, we're not really ready with the responsibility of a new home.  If we are, these small advices won't matter if we really are that decided.

I've been asking God for some guidance, and the more we insist on buying a new home, there were a lot of things that keeps getting in the way.

Like, I still don't have a license. My husband is planning to accept the job which will be based in California.  Who will drive for us?

I want to pursue my nursing studies.  I'm in the process of doing so but relocating would change all that.  I would want to stay here in Texas.  I want my kids to have long-time friends, be in the same school some of their school years, but I want it to be in good school districts.

I don't want them to go back in our country to accommodate my studies.  I feel like I can somehow juggle studies and kids, others have done it, why can't I?  Truth is, I don't want them to feel that I somehow neglected them by sending them home.  It's a sacrifice I don't want to afford.

Then the owner of the house we're occupying have other agenda for the coming months, so we really have to move out.

The only person earning for us is my husband, and if we acquire a new house, process some papers for my mom and our eldest, get me back to school, send allowance for his mom back home and live in two different states (one with a higher cost of living) which means paying for two different rents and bills, would be too much for my husband.  That kind of burden I don't want him to do alone.  So, I have to compromise.

Seeing that, and knowing that kids are very flexible, I think I would do the most reasonable thing we can do in times like this...help my hubby lighten his load by coming with him.  And just try to do something in between for the meantime.

Nice

Truth is, it's really nice to have a place of my own, where I can express myself without anybody bothering me.  And this is it.

I know it's not as private as I wanted to be, but this little niche I carved myself is just nice, there's nothing here that's not public, but I felt it's kind of private since I've been able to gloat, cry and weed some miseries within.  Nobody wants to bother reading this blog anyway, and I like it just like that.

Life's Greatest

There were things in life, looking back, that I should never have done, but since I've done it anyway, there's no point thinking about it or regretting those decisions that I made. I learned from them, and it made me wiser. It made me see clearer goals, it made me look at different horizons. Those decisions may have had an impact with my life's directions, but perhaps, they were there to give me something to move forward. I may not be the person I dream to be, career and financial wise, but I have the greatest things life can ever give me - the love of my family and friends.

Worrisome Mucus

Here I go again.

I am very worried with the mucus that's coming from the back of my throat (maybe a post nasal drip) that really has some blood stained in it.

I haven't seen any doctor yet, I've been wanting to see one, I really have to see the doctor on this one. It seems to be one of my sinuses or something, I don't want things to get complicated.

Health is wealth, you know.

XWoman

That was weird.

I dreamt about the woman I don't like most in my dream. It was weird because we became friends. I became her confidant in her trying times.

I remember seeing her in my dreams in turmoil. Something she couldn't tell us, she don't have any home, and a friend of her helped her get a home, and a curious me talked to her friend and asked her, whats her problem, and then after some moments I can't quite remember, we became friends.

A silent agreement of us becoming filial. How weird is that?

I had the dream after 6AM (I woke at 6AM and slept again and woke up at 7AM -eeekk!!! My son will be late!).

Never Been Kissed

The other day, I had a great time watching again two Korean movies, one was 100 Days with Mr. Arrogant and the second one was My Little Bride. But before I discuss the two movies, allow me to move on first with my recent watch, Never Been Kissed.

Never Been Kissed starred Drew Barrymore and this cute guy (I still have to find out his name) in a loves story from High School with the teacher falling in love (and vice-versa) with his student, who in reality, is a 25-year old lady going undercover. Well, to make the story short, it was a happy ending (and I love happy endings!).

The setting was the typical high school you and I surely have went through when we were younger. All the elements I think was in high school: the prom, the jock (that one single guy who just everyone loves and covets), the mercenaries (those vain girls who just love to mock you) and the nerds. Of course, we all just love a cutie teacher (if there was one in your school though).

Ha! The teacher-student love story I guess I’ve heard evolved was when I was in college, so it’s very uncommon in high school in my time. And as I remember, I did not have any cutie teacher to inspire me – all were in middle age, some spinsterish who squeezes you and jumps on you and pound you to pieces. Some were gays who scowl every time you disturb their inertia. And most were married who sometimes disturb your inner peace as they target to make your day with the way how their partners made with them. And since I went to a Catholic school, we always had masses with the priest (who most girls had a crush on) who’s not really good-looking but there’s something about him, and not withstanding the voice. And there were times you get to meet student teachers (mostly female in our time) who just love to make acquaintances with the male population and simply ignores you when you raise your hand trying to answer her questions, and when you don’t raise your hand, she simply calls your name and ask for the answer.

There was so much about high school actually. And this is just one phase of it.

Surfing and Wondering

I was in the wake up mode from an early doze to bed and this inclination to go surfing is such a no-no, but here I am, waking my thoughts.

The post below me got this comment 'be careful, be very careful.' I wonder why she/he said that.

Maybe because obviously, there must be some hidden meanings in one of the lines there. And yes, I am careful. I don't want to wreck my life with whims, especially the void kind.

~~~~~~

I was looking through some photographs of old classmates and I was wondering about how rich they must be with all money could buy. But, are they really happy?

I ask myself that question and I can honestly answer that I am.

Sure, I can't afford everything, nor any temporal things at this point in time but it's funny because I am not wanting more. I mean, there are certain things that I do want to have that I can't afford, but it did not stop me from feeling this contentment.

Maybe because I happen to have someone in my life who makes me feel that way - my family.

There were times, I was wondering and asking God to give higher meaning in my life, I guess, subtly, He already did but I just ignored the signs.

On a higher level, I contribute to making the world a better place by sacrificing my own - I think that's one of chronic sufferers' missions in life.

Now I realize that, even if I do want to make other lives better, it's time to start with my own - being what God wants me to be for my family, with my family, in my family.

I was so focused on wanting to do good for other people, I forgot that I can make that difference in my own circle starting from myself moving towards my immediate ones.

~~~~~~~~

I've been suffering from chronic mild pains most of my life, young as I am, but I guess, it's one of the things I have to go through to be closer to God.

Then in times that I began to crumble, I always reflect on my hubby's mom who went through a lot but was able to go through it all.

So pain, and life's tribulations will not make me wither, but when I quit.

And I have no thoughts of ever quitting.

My Hands I Draw

I've always wanted to draw or paint. My mom was good at it, and I think I can be but I never really had the chance to developed it. There was a time I tried to copy a horse, and it ended up looking like a cow. Nah, I'm not much of a sketcher (new word?) , I'm more of the Picasso type.

I like abstract because it's free flowing, and there's an element of mystery in it, and it can be all about emotions and you'll just try to understand it by the title or you can just make your own interpretation of the piece.

The other thing I like about abstract art is color.

I love colors. And mixing it up enhances the feelings, and you can just build the words from it.

I have one piece that I really love, done in craypas and I was just mixing everything up and it looked like a human being. Can't display it here since I lost it already. I did it when I was still in high school.

I just realized now that we should never abandon the things we love doing, because it's only there that we can really relax and at times, show our innermost thoughts that we can never ever explain, even to ourselves.

I've lost my way somehow, eventually stopped doing what I love to do - writing poetry, dancing, painting - there was a time I was very good at it and I just lost the time to do it.

Now, I'm finding my way to retrieve what I lost.

It's not the perfect time, but it makes perfect sense.

Daydreaming

Here I was, washing the dishes.

Then my mind wanders off.

I see myself acting in this drama movie where I get to be a bit of GI Jane in a Vietnamese setting trying to survive and going through a lot of captive schemes in McGyver style.

And, this low budget film became a super hit all around the globe. I became an instant superstar winning the Oscar award for newcomer. Became a guest in Oprah and talk about me not just acting but suggesting scenes acted out on that particular movie (and I don't even know the title).

Then an offer came that allows me to go to South Korea and make a movie with a cute actor. Ok, why Seoul? Because, I wanted to go visit that place. Always have. Always will.

Maybe the effect of watching too much korean drama series and movies and endlessly listening to KMusic. I am just so inlove with the plots and some of the cute actors and actresses (yes, actresses).

Hmm...all my movies were a hit.

My family doesn't have to worry about money anymore. And inspite all the glitz and glamour, we still live a pretty simple life.

I always wanted a simple life - a simple but comfortable life.

It's not about riches or getting too much money. It's about being able to provide and get what I and my family need.

Then I get to travel. My dream. My goal....

Oh yeah, the dishes. Back to normal life.

The Heart of A Mother

I love my mom.

There's just times that her ways can be irritating and lovable that I can't decide whether to love her or to hate her. It's her ways that I find so dominating and controlling, and at times, I find that heartwarming, knowing she cares for me that much. Or is it just my imagination?

But I do think that there's no mother in the world that do not love their children, no matter how outwardly hostile or collected their affection may be.

I was talking to hubby about my mom mentioning something to our daughter - that she doesn't want to die without me on her side.

It was such a morbid thought for me. I don't want to entertain the thought.

But hubby just said, because she realized that she needed you. Period.

Not about morbidity, but for being needed.

I did wonder if my mom would ever be proud of me, or if she would somehow need me. I guess, more than ever, I realized it through my hubby's words.

Trickle of tears, knowing that.

My mom needing me is so profound for me because I always wanted to do what I can for her.

Even if I grew up under her scrutiny of finding my faults than my virtues, of never ending arguments, I never found myself hating her - I thought about it for sure - so many times especially when we were clashing - but I never found myself groveling over things we argued about.

I guess, being my mom's daughter, I carried her genes to never make a grudge about anything.

My mother loves me, I know. And just the thought of her needing me, makes me want to do more for her.

And more than ever, I carry her love.

Just A Thought

There are things we'd rather forget but we usually remember. There are instances that we want to talk but nobody listens; there are times we write letters that we never send. There are people we'd like to ignore but who, for some unknown reasons, we unexpectedly meet. There are times and things in our lives that we hate but we unexpectedly like, as to those persons we try to hate so as not to fall for them...but we usually do.

BF in the OR

Nursing is a profession noteworthy to mention since it involves commitment and precision. My bestfriend, who opted to take a second course in this field, would talk to me about the many things she encountered in her trainings and related clinical experiences.

There would be weeks that they would be assigned in this department and another week in this division. And she said that these times when she would be assigned in the rigorous sections were the ones she’s nervous the most.

One time, she was assigned in the operating room and that time, she was assigned under a mitral valve surgery. As an onlooker, she was very nervous and felt the tension around the room. Why not? The surgeon was doing a mitral valve replacement to a mid-thirties patient since the said mitral valve was displaced. When the surgery was finished, her knees weakened! Nevertheless, she still wanted to pursue further studies.

I asked where she wanted to pursue further studies and she replied at UM. Huh? UM? She said it’s University of Maryland. Wow! My friend finally flapping her wings, widening her horizons…